I don’t think that’s what He meant…

Have you ever seen a child get hurt and they just burst out screaming? Or get a little scratch and do the same? What about a child throw a tantrum because they don’t get their way? Or how about when they get super upset and cry because their plans got changed? And how about this – you ask your child to clean their room and the reaction you get is closer to having told them they are getting a root canal?

My ex-husband and I used to joke about what it would be like if adults acted like children sometimes. Things like, you are sitting in public transportation and you just pick some random thing up and start chewing on it. Or, as my kids do, you are at a store and a couple of you adults start running around clothes racks to play tag. Or, like I described above, you stub your toe and you break out screaming and crying. I’ll admit, that one has been tempting a time or two.

I was thinking about this the other day because I really wanted to throw a temper tantrum. I wanted to throw myself down on the ground and cry that it isn’t fair. I wanted to shout, “how could he do this to me? This isn’t how it was supposed to be! He should have fought harder for himself and our family!” Then I wanted to cry, “I don’t want to do it!” I thought about a lot of the things my ex-husband and I did together, went through together, our jokes, etc. I have pictured us on our wedding day numerous times. I just wanted to kick and scream, “why did you do this? Why did you make these choices?!”

Fortunately I kept my temper tantrum inside myself, for the most part. I called my mom on Halloween and I fell into crying. This was the first year that I wasn’t going to get to take my kids trick-or-treating. And so I was already sensitive, I guess. I cried that I have already lost so much in my life and I didn’t want to have to give up anything else. I cried about unimportant things like not being able to do as much for my kids anymore. And I told her how hard it is to have to tell them no all the time. And I mentioned several times about a place they keep asking me to take them but I can’t afford it now so I have to keep telling them no. I know it isn’t significant, but on top of everything else, it felt like a lot.

I finally stopped complaining, hung up the phone and went about my day. Three hours later, I was sitting in my car waiting for my kids to get out of school. I checked my email and I had one from Groupon saying that I had a deal I bought and never used so I could turn it in for a credit. I did so and then looked to see what I could get with the credit. And then I found it, a deal that was ending in eight hours. It was a pass for four to the place my kids keep asking to go. And I was able to get it without having to pay anything. I knew in that moment that that was a blessing from my Heavenly Father. I felt that He was letting me know that He was still there and that He was still taking care of me and watching over me. And I felt His love for me again.

As I reflected after that about my wanting to throw a temper tantrum, I thought about how kids do that over so many things. Then I laughed as I thought about how Christ did tell us to be like little children. But I’m pretty sure He didn’t mean that way. So then my mind reviewed what He did mean. And the one I stopped on was faith. I have noticed in my interactions with children at church and my own kids that they have a great capacity for faith. They just simply believe. It is inspiring, really. And when He tells us to be like a little child, that is one of the characteristics He is referring to. Not temper tantrums, unfortunately.

I know I write about faith a lot, but I feel like faith is such an necessary part of life in all moments, both the good and the bad. Faith is not something I usually struggle with but it has been hard to trust that the blessings He has promised me will happen because I just can’t figure out how. Also, because they haven’t happened yet…because I am a little impatient! But I know He is there and that He is good and that He is involved in my life.

The tricky thing about faith, though, is that there have to be unknowns to have faith. If we always knew everything, there would be no need for faith and trust. Really, I would like Him to just show me my future and then deliver it at my doorstep. But where would that leave me? I definitely would not have to stretch and grow. I have noticed that He has let me have times through this when I have to just purely move forward through the unknown on faith. And then when I feel like I am at my limit and am starting to break, He sends a blessing and reassurance, like He did on Halloween.

So, what do I do now? Same as I keep saying, I guess. Keeping moving forward. Keep trusting. Keep turning to Him. Keep praying. And I will work to not only trust, but maintain that trust in the moments I start to doubt. I need to let my faith win over my fear. The future is such a huge unknown for me now. I used to know where I would be, who I would be with, what I would be doing. Or at least I thought I did. Now I don’t know any of those things. But what I do know is that Heavenly Father does. And He will grant me what I need to know when I need to know it. And what I need when I need it. And who I need when I need them. So, as I have been inspired to do from the very beginning of this process, I will be still and wait to see what He has planned for me.