As you may know, I am 39. I honestly find that quite shocking. I don’t feel 39. I think part of that may be that my life is so unsettled. I always thought that being an adult was having everything together and knowing what you are doing. But really, I am realizing that no one has it all together. We are just doing the best we can everyday. But being 39 and having your whole life turned upside down is quite shocking. There has been so much change in my life. Now normally I am someone who likes change. But more the repaint-the-room kind of change and not the kind I have recently experienced.
Finding myself divorced has caused changes to the most important parts of my life and identity. I loved being a wife. I loved having someone to take care of, to share experiences with, to talk about our days with and so many other aspects of being a wife. And now I am not a wife. Ugh. Also, being a mother was what I wanted most in life. And while I am and always will be a mother, I now have to share my kids and miss out on chunks of their lives. I only have them for two-thirds of their lives. And that, my friends, is really horrible.
As I discussed before, I had to go through the process of letting go of any hope of a future with my ex-husband. It was heartbreaking. But I have been working through that loss and have come out feeling so much peace and excitement for my future. I know that Heavenly Father has a great relationship and marriage in store for me and I can’t wait. I can’t wait to be a wife again. And I might even get to mother more children, and that would be amazing. He has given me glimpses of this future and I am anxiously waiting for it.
But, to get there, I have to go through something that no one wants to have to go through again, and especially at mid-life – dating! My ex-husband an I used to actually talk about how glad we were that we didn’t have to do that again. Ironic. Furthermore, with him being a psychologist, he heard all kinds of horrible dating stories. Like really bad ones. So, entering the waters of dating seems a little…daunting.
Now, when I was in college and first graduated, I dated a lot. I had fun, met great people and learned a lot. It was easy to find guys to date – I was surrounded by them! But now? I have no clue how you find single men. They certainly aren’t at my PTA meetings. So, a couple of months ago I joined a couple of dating sites. And it all kind of felt like high school again – everyone vying to be the coolest and most fun. While so many men talked about always being up for an adventure and all the crazy things they like to do, I was just looking for a good man who wants to raise a family together and live a good life. I even found one guy on both sites with completely different profile information! And honestly, my ex-husband’s stories kept haunting me. So, knowing that I would probably never trust meeting someone that way, I cancelled my accounts.
So, where does that leave me? I don’t really know. I still don’t know how to meet single people like myself but I trust Heavenly Father. I just forget that I trust Him sometimes and worry over how impossible the details seem. And self-doubt gets in the way. The day before my ex-husband left me, he told me that he was not emotionally, intellectually or physically attracted to me at all anymore. Those words were absolutely devastating. And now as I face trying to date again, they play through my mind. I think, “if my own husband didn’t want me, why would someone else?” I know, intellectually, that that was more about him than me. But it does cause me to doubt myself and whether I will be good enough for someone to want me.
I am working on combatting these feelings though. I know they will only cause me harm and get in the way of me moving forward. Accepting who I am is a big step. And I am more at peace and happier with myself than I have ever been. I am pursuing goals and dreams I have had for myself. I am strengthening my relationship with my Heavenly Father even more so than before. And I am deciding what kind of life I want to live now and in the future.
So, what I am learning is that I need to accept myself first. I know that the right person can help you to become an even better version of yourself. But I want to be the best version of me I can be right now so we can do that for each other. And I have decided that I need to just embrace where I am in life. I know that I will be okay and with someone someday. But for now, I have more time on my hands. I can work on starting the business I always wanted. I can go out and spend time with my mom and the rest of my family while I have free days and nights. I can do whatever I want, really.
With all the change in my life, I am working on moving forward confidently and optimistically. I wish I could say I had mastered this and every day is great. I still have my doubts. I still worry about the future. I still wonder how He will make His promises happen. And sometimes I still mourn what was lost. Today in our lesson at church, the teacher had this quote on the board and it felt very profound in my life:
The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.
Socrates
So, it is time to put all of my energy into building and shaping my new life. And you know what? I have a pretty good life, even as it is now. I can take all that I have now and move forward to all that I will be. I can’t wait to see what my future holds.
Sunshine and Rainstorms 