Our Cups

Today is a weird day. It is my ex-husband’s birthday, and it is the first time I am not celebrating it with him. Every year I took him sushi for lunch. I looked at the clock at 11:30 this morning and it hit me that I would be getting that right now if he hadn’t left. This afternoon I would have prepared a dessert he loves and planned a dinner he would like. Or maybe we would have all gone out to eat. But this year, he is celebrating elsewhere.

Like I said, this is a really weird feeling. For 15 years this day was an important day for me. I think it was hard for all of us really. The kids didn’t get to celebrate with him either. In fact, it has been a hard week or so for all of us. Adding to the normal stress of navigating our new life, the kids have been fighting, whining and fussing a whole lot this week. It has been pretty stressful and really frustrating.

Today, on this weird day, I hit my limit. For a bit I just sat with my head in my hands thinking I didn’t know what to do. It was so easy to jump to feeling like I am just failing in life – my husband left me, my kids are fighting, I am just barely holding on with all I need to do… Then a thought came into my head and I know it wasn’t from me because it was the opposite of what I really wanted to do. I needed to talk to my kids.

I called them downstairs and they took their time coming…well the two that actually listened. Like I mentioned, it has been a rough week. Once I got them all down I told them I wanted to talk. Honestly, I didn’t know what I was going to say, I just knew they needed to talk. So I asked them how they were feeling about life and got the usual answer – “fine.” It was time to change tactics. I explained that, as they know, I am going though something really hard. And just like me, they are too. To be emotionally and mentally healthy through their lives, they need to actually work through their feelings.

So, I then asked my daughter to tell me something she is upset about, or struggling with. She was afraid to talk in front of the boys so I asked my oldest son to start. He actually said okay! Honestly, I was really surprised. He shared a few things that were bothering him and then my daughter just opened up. My sweet second son continuously tried to downplay all the things that were upsetting the other two. So I turned to him. I feel a little bad because he started to cry as I got him to talk about some things, but I know it was necessary.

As we talked I changed direction again. I talked about what happens when a cup is completely full. When a cup is full of water, any drop will cause it to overflow. Emotionally, when we are already full and overwhelmed, anything can make us emotionally overflow – and start picking, fighting or even hitting those around you apparently! To be emotionally healthy, it is our responsibility to make sure our cups are not going to overflow. Fortunately my kids were following!

So we discussed how we can lower the level of our cup. Even though we don’t want to, we have to think about and feel what is upsetting us. As I have mentioned in a previous post, we have to spend time working and then we can distract. Sometimes it even helps just telling someone else how you are feeling. My daughter said she could even write it until she is ready to talk about it. One of my boys said he sometimes talks to the dog when he is struggling.

Fortunately for my kids, they each have two others who know just what they are going through. Interestingly, they don’t talk about anything with each other. But I encouraged them to learn to rely on each other, talk to each other and help each other. And I let them know that they can always talk to me and I will never be upset about what they tell me, even if it is something I need to change.

After we were done talking, the kids were completely different. They played together without fighting. If one of them got hurt during a game, they just laughed it off. They were cheerful! It was bittersweet for me. I am glad that talking through, or even just acknowledging their frustrations, helped. I hope that we can continue to work through things. But it also made me sad to think that they have these big things to deal with that are causing them distress.

But this wasn’t even the most amazing part. First the conversation itself was a blessing to me – I know Heavenly Father guided me to know what to say, and really to say anything instead of hiding in my closet! Next, some incredible things happened. During our conversation, one of my sons told me that he really misses going out back to play soccer with his dad. Well, a little after our talk, his friend texted to see if he could hang out. So my son went over to his house. And guess what happened? They played soccer outside with his friend’s dad! It made my son so happy!

My daughter explained to me that she feels lonely and doesn’t feel like she has friends. Right after she told me this, her friend texted to see if she could play. It didn’t work out for them to go to either of our houses because we moms were running errands. But then when my son was invited to go to his friend’s house, she was invited to go too to play with his sister. And guess what? The first friend that texted her was there too! She got to have fun with two friends this afternoon.

Next, in my errands I needed to run, I was at the grocery store. I got a strong feeling that I needed to call my other son and ask him if he wanted to make dessert for tonight. He has been learning to cook and bake more and keeps asking to make things. When I asked him, he was so excited! He picked what he wanted to make and I got the ingredients and helped him make it. It was fun, really.

I am so incredibly grateful for a Heavenly Father that loves us enough to give us blessings along the way as we work though our hard times. This evening I sat my kids down and talked to them about what happened after our conversation. And they each said that they knew Heavenly Father loves us and takes care of us. If they have to go through these difficult changes and circumstances in their lives, I am so glad they are learning that important lesson to take with them as they grow.