Not Blah

Today as I was sitting in church, my daughter was leaning against me and as I looked at her I had a flash of a memory that is still really vivid to me. When I was pregnant with her we lived in Las Vegas. We already had two sweet boys and we thought that this baby was probably my last because it was going to be my third C-section. My oldest son was three and he really wanted a sister. One afternoon, all of us went to my ultrasound to find out if my baby was a boy or a girl. I remember that she was moving all over the place and I thought it was weird that I couldn’t really feel any of it. Then the time came to learn what the baby was. The tech turned to my son and said “you were right!” We were all so very excited. We got back to our car and couldn’t even wait to get home to tell everyone. So, we sat in our car, in the parking lot of the doctor’s office and called our families and friends.

After reliving that memory briefly, I flashed to something else, something that happened just two nights before. As a preface, I hate going to bed these days because I go alone. My ex-husband and I went to bed together every night and I still struggle with going up alone. Because of that I frequently stay up too late which makes me tired the next day… I really need to break this habit! And nighttime is definitely when I have the most potential to get down. As I was getting into bed this particular night I thought to myself, “my life is blah.” It almost shocked me because immediately in my mind I heard, “that is not true. You have your kids that you are raising. Focus on that.”

All I wanted to be was a mom. Anything else I have ever wanted has never been important enough to me to trump the desire to be here with my kids. Each child brought so much excitement and hope for the future. I have learned lessons about the capacity to love from each of them. They drive me crazy sometimes, and sometimes I am tempted to hide in my room. But I love them so very much. And they are all so amazing in their own ways.

Lately, though, I have let my focus wander. And this has taught me an important lesson. When I focus on what I don’t have or do I feel pretty down. When I focus on what I do have or do I feel pretty happy. Now, I know this is not some new epiphany and is also fairly obvious, but putting it into practice is a little harder than just saying it. And I have not been doing my best at actually doing this the last little bit.

For example, Thursday night I went out with friends and I had a great time. But then this little voice in the back of my head said, “but they all went home to husbands and you didn’t…” Friday night I decorated the house for my son’s birthday the next day and I enjoyed it, but that same voice in the back of my mind said, “here you are, doing everything alone again…” Saturday was my son’s birthday and we had a great day celebrating him. But in all our activities I noticed all the couples around and felt less than. I found myself thinking too much about my ex-husband living his life going out and such and I’m just at home being the mom. And often I just feel overwhelmed that all of the kids’ emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical needs, health and development is on me at this point.

But, I told you already that I had that moment two nights ago that reminded me that I have been focused on the wrong thing. That my life isn’t “blah” but pretty amazing. So I have been trying to change not only my thinking, but my feeling, back to being focused on the right thing. I can always find something lacking in my life, we all can. The trick, though, is to not let that define our lives. I want to define my life and my emotional health on what I do have and what I do get to do. This picture was given to me as a gift to help me remember how important my role as a mother is, especially now, and to keep me focused on that:

Today was a pretty special day. In our church, when boys turn 12 they receive the priesthood. And today two of my boys were ordained – one to receive the priesthood and one to receive another office in the priesthood. As their grandfather was giving them their blessings I found myself crying because things are good. I am doing it, maybe not gracefully all the time, but my kids are doing pretty well. And I love being with them. So even though I may not have a husband, or if I am just at home with my kids all the time, that’s a pretty great place to be.

So then I looked at my week a little differently. My son had to go to the dentist and have a tooth pulled. It was pretty unpleasant, but I got to be there with him and hold his hand. And then we hung out together for the rest of the afternoon. I have friends that I genuinely enjoy being around and I got to spend time with them this week. I have a home to decorate for my son’s birthday and I got to be here with him and watch him enjoy all his favorite things. My daughter is working on learning new songs for her choir and I have been able to sit with her and cheer her on and help her learn. And I get to watch my kids grown spiritually and learn from their own experiences that their Heavenly Father loves them.

There are things I want to change in my life. And I hope they do change. But, my life is pretty good. I have been really working over the last six months on being emotionally and mentally healthy and mature and I know that switching my focus to what I do have and being grateful for the things in my life is how to maintain that. I am almost certain that I will have another pity party or two…or more… but I hope I will quickly remember that my life is pretty good even if it there are things I hope to change or if I feel overwhelmed or if I feel down on myself. We can all find something lacking in our lives, but we all can find so many things that are good and right. And focusing on those things is where we will find peace and happiness.