My life

Last night I had a really weird dream. I was going back to college at BYU, which is where I graduated from. I lived in a house with a bunch of girls, including some of my old roommates. My ex-husband lived in the same complex and I was trying to get him to move away. We actually lived in the same complex back in college, which is how we met. For some reason I was going to study biology, which I would never choose. My parents even dropped me off! At some point I started wondering why I was living there instead of at my house with my kids 15 minutes away. When I woke up I was so relieved. I was happy that my life was mine and not the one I was dreaming about.

And that’s when I fully realized something that I was beginning to understand – I am happy! I am happy with my life as it is! I have great kids! I remember so much about myself and am living how I want to. I know I am on the path I am supposed to be on. Is my life perfect? Heck no! I still am looking forward to being with someone again. Money is still really tight. Parenting alone is kind of tough. But, I am happy! Life is good.

I have learned some things over the last six months. The first I want to share is something I have talked about a lot. God is good. So very good. I have experienced so many amazing things in the last six months starting the day before my ex-husband left. One of the great things about these experiences is that my kids have experienced them too. Not only am I aware of Heavenly Father’s love and protection, my kids are too. And I am so happy about that. More than the big things, He has been there to comfort me when I need it. There have been times that He has let me be alone with my process and faith. But when I pray and let him know that I am at a breaking point, He sends reassurance and glimpses of my future.

A couple weeks ago at church, someone made a comment that I have thought about since. He is a young 20-something who is newly married. He said, in his wonderful youthful view, “we should be grateful for everything that happens in our lives.” Here’s what I realized – I will never be grateful for the choices my ex-husband made that led us to this point. Never. But, I will forever be grateful for the blessings and help I have received since then from others and Heavenly Father.

A couple months after my ex-husband left I thought I was doing pretty well. And I probably was for where I was at in the divorce process. But I have gone through so much since then. I wasn’t even close to healed. I know what that looks like now. I have learned how to set boundaries. How to be confident in how I should be treated. I have found peace and acceptance in with where I am in my life. I have worked actively in moving forward instead of falling apart. I got up every morning and tried to live my life the best I can. Because of the help I have had from Heavenly Father in healing I don’t hate my ex-husband. I’m not even angry with him anymore. I know that I will always care about him and I am glad about that.

Yesterday I heard a song that said something to the effect of you have to have clouds to find silver linings. And I realized that I have found some silver linings in the dark clouds that hung over my life. I lived with so much stress and anxiety during my marriage. And now I live so much more relaxed. My body isn’t tense all the time like it used to be. I don’t worry about everything I do or say. I am so much more confident. And I can turn the music up and sing and dance with my kids whenever I want!

Last is not something new, but I realized it is true no matter what. There is always good to be found in life even when things are absolutely horrible and you feel like your life is falling about. In the middle of losing my husband, my security, my future and everything, it felt like, I found out that I still had plenty to be happy about. My kids became even more amazing to me. I have found more appreciation for my home. I love where I live and the people around me. I get to pursue an online business like I always wanted to and I just launched my shop – LJ Digital Designs. Even though I am less secure than before, I am grateful for what my ex-husband gives me. Oh, and the world is gorgeous!

These past six months have been extremely hard. I have hurt like I have never hurt before. I have cried more than I could even imagine. And I honestly had moments I didn’t think I would make it through. But I have. And I feel like I am coming out on the other side. I know there are good things on the horizon. And I am happy!