I Don’t Live There Anymore

You know how I said in my last post that I was going to let myself mourn? Well, the problem with that is that you feel. You feel the pain. The devastation. The betrayal. The unfairness. The loss. Everything. And that is really hard. Really, really, hard. Even though I let myself start this process Friday, today has been the hardest so far. In fact, right now I don’t know if I will be able to get through this. It is hard to imagine being happy and okay again. It is really overwhelming right now.

When I am feeling something I don’t understand I take time to figure out why I feel that way. And I had a realization – I know why I’ve had a block in letting go. I’m not ready to (or I don’t want to…) say goodbye to my marriage and my ex-husband. Fourteen years is a long time to spend with someone. To love someone. To focus on someone. And that is hard to just turn off and walk away from. And part of the pain is how easy it was for him to say goodbye and be done.

But the man I married left. He is so different now. And whether I want to let go or not, he is no longer mine. Man, that’s hard to say. I keep holding on to the hope that he will finally wake up and realize that he made a huge mistake. This is a huge realization! But I HAVE to let that go. I have to stop holding on. *deep breath*

I heard a song on Pandora today. Apparently my mom told me about it a couple of weeks ago but I don’t remember. I don’t think I was ready before. But today, of all days, I needed it. I have cried many times today listening to this song and realizing what I have to do. Realizing that I have to really say goodbye and let go. Here is the song and lyrics:

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again Song by Hilary Weeks

You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
‘Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven’s working
Everything for your good Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again

Can you believe this song? I don’t even know where to start in explaining my thoughts about it. When I heard the chorus talking about how the past is a closing door and you don’t live there anymore…that hurt, but I knew it was true. I don’t like it, but know it is true. My marriage isn’t my life anymore. My ex-husband isn’t my life anymore. I don’t live there anymore.

Because I haven’t let myself let go, I haven’t been fully living. Now, I know that it is completely normal to shut down and grieve. But I feel like I have only been half alive. So when I heard the next part of the song – tell your heart to beat again – I knew I needed to let myself move on. But it so scary. What if I don’t find someone? What if life doesn’t get any better? I really don’t have any other option though. So, my choices are to stay stuck in a rut or push myself forward. And then I had another realization – just because I move on, say goodbye, doesn’t mean I have to forget all the good and erase the last fourteen years. Mourning doesn’t mean forgetting, it just means moving forward.

So here’s where faith comes in, right? Then came the next part of the song – in this moment heaven is working everything for your good. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me, one that includes happiness. But it is so hard to hold on to when you are so overwhelmed by grief and pain. Interestingly, my mom called me Sunday afternoon because she felt really strongly that she needed to tell me something that was exactly something I had felt before but was having a hard time holding on to. So I know He is aware of me and planning my future. Oh, but to remember that and be patient! That is the hard part.

But I want to tell you all that God is so good. Even in the midst of horrible things, He is there to strengthen and show love. Saturday evening was really hard. I wanted to be somewhere with my family but couldn’t. I tried to go to a church meeting but I had to leave early because I couldn’t hold back tears. And soon after I got home a sweet friend stopped by because she felt like she should check on me. We talked for about 45 minutes. And as soon as she left, I had a text message from my great neighbor asking if I was home so she could bring me a treat and visit. Then the next day someone else wanted to visit with me and help me. I needed those visits and He sent people to care for me. I have to go through this. But He is helping me through. So I need to continue putting my trust and faith in Him and His plan for my future and happiness. And just because I don’t live there (in my past) anymore doesn’t mean my new future won’t be amazing and good. So faith is where I need to live right now.