But that’s not who I am!

Yesterday evening I had a post half way written about how I turned 39 on Monday, and that’s old, and my life isn’t what I expected, etc, etc, etc. Then I had yet another extremely hurtful, hard conversation with my ex-husband. And I spent the next few hours crying and crying. I know I should be strong. I should keep looking on the bright side… oh man! Did you see what I just did?! Should. How about this? I am trying to stay strong, to look at the positive things in my life. But last night, and honestly today, I have just been down and sad and frustrated and really, really, really, really hurt.

Here’s the problem. He has completely changed his narrative about our marriage, our history, and about me. It really hurts when someone who was your closest friend, the person who was supposed to love you the most now believes that you are the root of all their problems and a whole host of other bad things. In his mind now he was never happy with me. Our marriage was mostly bad with only a little bit of good. The reason he made all the choices he did was because he was unhappy with me. Here’s the best one – he’s not making those choices anymore because he is actually happy now. I scream and yell at him 3-4 times a week (this one would almost be laughable if it wasn’t so hurtful. I don’t even know where he got this because that is so far from reality…) I was trying to make him be someone he didn’t want to be. And the woman he is with now is so good for the same reasons I was so bad. Guys, this is SO hard.

I lived with my ex-husband who was studying to be and practicing as a psychologist for 14 years. I learned a lot about psychology. He used to joke that I should have an honorary psychology degree. But now, the interesting thing is seeing it up close and personal and figuring out how to deal with cognitive distortions. This is also helping me learn how to stay mentally healthy myself, both in dealing with him and not letting myself make the same mistakes. But figuring out how to not be affected by this feels really hard right now. Here is some irony for you: if you asked my ex husband what bothers me the most, he would tell you being misrepresented. This is so big a feeling for me that I won’t even ever dye my hair because that isn’t who I really am. So this is a huge thing to overcome for me. I’ve been thinking about what tools I can use to work in letting go of the pain his new narrative is causing me. So here are some of my thoughts.

The first idea I thought about is trying to understand why this is happening. So, let’s talk about cognitive dissonance – I realized this seems to be exactly what is going on. Cognitive dissonance describes the anxious, uncomfortable feeling you get when your beliefs and actions contradict. The way someone can work to resolve this is either change their behavior, change their beliefs, or justify their actions by changing the way they think about something. Interestingly, something I read said that making little concessions can lead to making bigger bad choices in the future. For example, you justify that a little white lie isn’t that bad so it is okay. But next time it could be a bigger lie because the small lie was already not wrong.

Learning about cognitive dissonance opened my eyes to what is happening. His beliefs and actions have been polar opposites. He is currently changing his belief system. But more than that, he is changing the way he thinks about me and our marriage. Now it was never good and almost always actually bad. So of course he is justified. I do and did all kinds of horrible things so of course he doesn’t want to be with me. So the choices he has made are all okay. He goes in cycles with this process. He is mean, then he apologizes and promises to be nicer. He is nicer but then gets mean again. Unfortunately the cycle is escalating. The last couple weeks have been so hurtful. On Sunday he committed to working on having a better relationship. On my birthday on Monday he told me how sad he was feeling for hurting me and that I am a good woman and deserve to be happy and he committed again to being nicer. Then next day he was telling me how much happier he is now and telling me crazy things he thinks I do. Maybe that is because he needs to justify his decisions more and more so he is creating worse and worse narratives. And looking at it that way helps…a little.

Another thing I am trying to focus on I have actually been working on for a long time. I need to be happy with who I am no matter what someone else thinks of me. I need to be confident. And I am. However, it is so hard to not care what someone who was so close to you thinks and feels about you. Any other time I feel secure in who I am and confident in the way have lived and continue to live my life. That doesn’t mean I’m perfect. But I am happy with my path. So I need to stay focused on that. When I start to feel affected by what he said or if he says more in the future, I will try to let it go because I know who I am. I know what kind of wife I was – perfect? No. But I tried really hard and I loved and encouraged and forgave him for 14 years. So I need to focus on how I see myself, how God sees me, and not on how he sees me. That will take time and work.

Next, I have learned in the last few months that writing things that happen and my feelings about them really helps. I have done this a lot and after I write through things I am often able to let them go.

My last tactic is my go-to. Pray, pray, pray! Feeling the love of God always helps. Always. It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change how my ex-husband is choosing to see me. But it does change me. It changes my outlook on my life. Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “God will be with you. He will direct your steps. He will walk beside you and even carry you when your need is greatest.” So I will get through this with His help just as He has helped me so far.

As I have said many times already, this is really hard. But I do believe it is a lesson I need to learn. I need to not worry about what other people think of me. I need to be able to continue being who I am even if someone is telling me that it is wrong. I need to be able to let go of misperceptions that I cannot change. So, here’s to another lesson to learn! Wish me luck.