The Donuts Didn’t Help…

*Deep Breath* This week has been tough. I have had many hurtful conversations with my ex-husband. The hurt I have felt coupled with the betrayal I experienced has made this a hard week. A couple days ago I dropped the kids off at my ex-husband’s place and watched them swim for a few minutes. This was only granted if I promised to not saying anything bad about him or pick a fight. I didn’t understand because I don’t do those things. But now he has decided that I do and has been really rude. But I focused on my kids, praised their swimming (which was amazing considering they couldn’t swim at the beginning of the summer!) and then told them I loved them and left.

My next order of business? I decided I was going to try the donuts I’ve been wanting to try. I needed sugar. And guess what – it totally wasn’t worth it. They weren’t that great and I just felt gross after. Which definitely didn’t help how I was feeling emotionally. At. All. So I put on a show, worked on a couple of things and went to bed. I woke up this morning and had a flood of thoughts of better ways to think about my situation, my life. So here we go, how to be mentally healthy while going though hard things…part two.

For a few weeks after my ex-husband left he kept vacillating about what he was doing. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to keep on the path he was on or if should stay. Then all the sudden one day he found divorce papers online and told me he had made his decision. I asked so many times why and there was never an answer that made sense to me. Finally he just always said, “it is what it is.” That was my answer – it is what it is. I HATE that phrase. I’m not someone who just accepts how something is. I want to shape the situation. I don’t want to take a passive role and just accept that something is what it is. But it all reality, sometimes things really just are what they are. We are divorced. That is a fact and there is nothing I can do to change it. In other words, it is what it is. Ugh. So, it appears that the mentally healthy thing to do is recognize what the situation is.

Recognizing what a situation is leads into a couple other tips. One I have already talked about. It is easier to accept a situation when we don’t focus on what it should be. Man, this is hard. We have to let go of what we hoped for, what we expected, what we wanted. And the other side of this is what I am really struggling with today – it just isn’t fair! It isn’t fair that I have to share my kids when I had no say in the decision. It isn’t fair that he is out when I am here alone. It isn’t fair that he ended my marriage! I can go on and on… But in the end, does it matter if it is fair? As I said, it is what it is, fair or not. Right or wrong. This could be the case for so many hard things we go through – divorce, death of a loved one, illness, losing a job…

Once we accept that whether or not something *should* be, it is, we can start moving on. There are so many things in life that we can’t control. I don’t like that. I’m a type A person – I like to manage and make things happen. But here’s what I am learning – there is a lot of things that I just don’t have any control or say over. If I did, I wouldn’t be divorced right now and my ex-husband would be a different person. So it makes no sense focusing on those things. I say that like it is no big deal! It isn’t easy. Instead, we need to focus on what we can change or control. I can control only what I do, that’s it. I can determine how I spend my time, what I teach my kids, what choices I make, how I treat others (regardless of how they treat me…), what I eat (which should not be two comfort donuts ever again!), etc. I get into a cycle where I think I can convince my ex-husband to act different, make different choices, talk to me differentlu. But I can’t. And I just get frustrated trying. Again, I don’t like accepting that some things just are! But when I focus on what I am doing, who I am, what choices I am making, I feel so much happier and at peace.

One thing I heard my ex-husband counsel people about was focusing on the present. The past is past and the future hasn’t happened. All we can control is the present. Dwelling on the past or worrying about the future will just being anxiety and more frustration. The good thing, though, is that our hardships won’t last forever. So, while we focus on the present, we need to remember that it isn’t a permanent state. We won’t always be hurting. We won’t always be lonely. We won’t always be unemployed. Or whatever it is you are dealing with. Time moves on, situations change, lives improve if we move forward in a healthy way.

Another lesson I am learning is one that is really hard for me – I need to give myself a break. I am going through something hard. And yet I feel like I should be functioning completely normally and doing everything perfectly. But sometimes I need to let my feelings take over so they don’t get bottled up. So sometimes I take a nap. Sometimes I watch tv. Sometimes I just sit and cry. And tonight, after a long week and another frustrating conversation with my ex-husband, it was mac and cheese on a blanket while watching tv kind of night with my kids. If you had told me a few months ago that I would do that, I would have been really hard on my future self. But hey, I needed a down night. And my kids were pretty happy about it, which was a bonus. It is okay to feel the natural emotions that come with something hard.

Here are a few other unhealthy thought patterns to look out for during our hard times.

• Catastrophizing – this is when we believe that the future is going to be bad or ruined because of something that happened – we make a situation much bigger than it is. I do this sometimes, especially when I think of my kids. I’m so worried that because they have to deal with this they will struggle for the rest of their lives. But that isn’t true….
• Waiting for change – how often do we say that we will be happy when something happens? The truth is we need to healthily process our experiences and hurt. Then we can move on.
• All or nothing thinking – when we use words like always and never, that is a red flag. Rarely is anything always or never. But thinking like that will only add more frustration and difficulty to a situation. For example, I have been struggling with having civil, easy conversations with my ex-husband. I could think to myself, “He always is and always will be a jerk!” Is that true? No, it isn’t. But thinking like that will only strain how I view and interact with him.

I am going to throw one last tip in there. This won’t be found in a psychology book probably, but it is my most important coping mechanism to facilitate healthy patterns – pray your guts out! He is the one that can give peace, perspective, guidance, love. Turn to Him when you are struggling and He will be there. Even in the middle of our hardest moments, He will give you peace and strengthen your ability to keep moving on. We can even feel happy.

As we move through hard experiences in our lives it is important that we keep our mind focused on healthy patterns. Doing so will help keep us from negatively spiraling into anger, depression, anxiety or other dark places. Instead we can find peace, happiness, and hope as we move forward.