Not as easy as it sounds…

I hope in all my posting that I haven’t given the impression that I have mastered the things I talk about. Because, you know what? I haven’t! And the last day and half I have been struggling…big time! Last night we had an event at my son’s school, one we all went together to last year. My daughter was having a really hard day, crying at school, at home, at therapy. This morning I went grocery shopping and money was low. I have been feeling overwhelmed by all the responsibility that is now mine alone – the house, the yard, the animals. Especially the yard. And on top of all that, I don’t like being alone. There is no one to give me a hug and remind me it will be okay. I have no partner. How is that for a cheery beginning of a post?

Yesterday at my daughter’s therapy appointment, they worked on changing unhealthy thoughts to healthy thoughts. She had to write down some unhealthy thoughts and then change them around. At first it was hard for her and she kept asking for help. But soon she was doing it by herself without waiting for the therapist to cue her. She wasn’t crying by the end of the session.

I’ve been thinking about her session today. And guess what? I have spent a lot of time trapped in unhealthy thought patterns. And interestingly I have been so much healthier mentally since my ex-husband left. But I still get sidetracked sometimes. Like today. So this afternoon I decided to try to switch some of my thoughts around. And I am still working on it. I’m hoping that eventually I will move safely back into the healthy thoughts realm… soon. Sometimes it just takes work until we get there.

Let’s start with one thought. I am here alone. Sometimes I fear that I will always be alone. How do I find someone? How do I date at almost 40? Will anyone even be interested in me? No, I will always be alone. Generalizing. Because something is one way now, it will always be that way. But is that true? Well, I’m telling myself no right now. I still have plenty of time to find someone again. I have plenty of time to grow old with someone.

How about another. I am not keeping up on the outside of my house. The weeds in my front yard mock me everyday it feels like. I’ve missed some little details in day-to-day life. I missed an appointment. I’m still struggling with how to feed my kids when it is just the four of us. In other words, I am just failing at life right now. Filtering. I am only seeing the bad, the mistakes, the struggles. I am ignoring the good, the successes in my life. So instead, I am reminding myself of the good moments in my life. Focusing on what I am doing well, what I am getting done, the positive things. Yes, I have things I need to get done, that I need to do better. But I am holding my family together. My kids are happy, healthy, and fed. I am working on reinventing my life.

And this one – this isn’t how it should be! Ugh. I’ve talked about this before but geez, it is hard. While I was grocery shopping that’s all I could think of. He shouldn’t have left. I shouldn’t have to be struggling financially again. My kids should get to come home to two parents. Both of their parents should have been at the event last night. He should have been here last night to hug my daughter and talk to her about why she was sad. But these feelings only lead me to resentment, and oh how I have resented him today. But the reality is, this is what it is. How it should be doesn’t exist. So I have been trying to switch it around. I am grateful that he calls the kids every day. He is giving us enough money to at least make it, though I do need to start earning money. It could be much worse than it is.

There are so many more unhealthy thought patterns, many of which I have fallen into at one time or another. I would assume what people were thinking (no one wants to be my friend). I had to be right or I am not good enough. If something bad happened it was my fault somehow. Guys, these are all bad and wrong! They rob us of peace and happiness. They can negatively impact relationships. The first step if you are feeling any of these things is to call it what it is. Recognize that what you are thinking is unhealthy. Then try to change it to a healthier thought pattern. Would you think these things about a friend? Is your feared outcome realistic or catastrophic? Look at everything, not just the cherry picked experiences that support your thought.

This is so hard sometimes. Bad thought patterns are hard to break. But they can be broken. And when you do, peace follows. Confidence follows. We spend less time worrying about who we are and how people see us and just live. So I am going to break the ones that have been plaguing me today. That doesn’t mean I won’t struggle with them periodically. But when it happens, I will fight back.