Dirty Words

I’ve been struggling with some bad words lately. No, not the four letter kind – in fact one of the reasons my ex-husband was unhappy being with me is that I didn’t want swearing in my house. I’ve learned, though, that there are other words that aren’t bad words per se, but are words that can make our lives harder. They definitely make mine harder!

As I think more about what became of my ex-husband, what happened to my family and what my kids have to live through I can’t help focusing on what should have been, what should be, and what was supposed to happen. Those words – should and supposed to – can turn into a mind trap. And they definitely make moving on harder! They put the focus on unmet expectations or create future expectations. We don’t except things as they are when we are wrapped up in what they should be. This mindset is focused on negative feelings and thoughts and therefore lead us to feel worse. Stress and anxiety become a greater part of our lives.

The last week or so I keep thinking about what should have been. My ex-husband should have made different choices. He should have stayed. He should have wanted to make our marriage work. And a million other should haves. We were supposed to have an amazing marriage and do great things together. My kids were supposed to grow up in a stable household. We were supposed to grow old together and play with our grandkids in our home. I can come up with so many more things I thought were supposed to be.

One of the many amazing experiences I have had frequently in this process is that when I start getting down or upset about things or when I want things to be different I am quickly inspired to know that there is a flaw in my thinking and how to fix it. That makes it sound a lot easier than it is – it takes work to change your mindset no matter how you learn what you need to do. Yesterday I realized that I was so focused on what should have been that I couldn’t see how things actually were. And that realization changed everything. I have been struggling for a couple days now to switch my mindset but I have noticed significant improvements in my overall outlook. Even my mom told me today that I sound different, better. And I do feel better.

What I understand now is that my ex-husband did make the choices he did so he is no longer the same man I married and not someone I want to share life with. This is my kids’ reality and by accepting that I can focus more on making it the best I can for them. I am not going to grow old with my ex-husband but there is plenty of time to grow old with someone still. I may not be married right now but I have the chance and time to rediscover myself and pursue some of my ambitions. Changing these statements has changed my outlook. I am moving on. I am focused on the good things in my life both now and to come. I feel at peace.

Should statements aren’t just a problem in the big things in life like an ended marriage. They can trap us in a bunch of little ways that turn our focus to a negative mindset. For example, “I should make my kids healthy, balanced meals every night.” This is a trap for me. We are busy and on the go so perfect meals with a main course and side dishes isn’t possible every night. And yet I expect it of myself! But we love the activities we are involved in. And though we may not have a perfect dinner together every night, we are together every night.

How about some of these? I should weigh ten pounds less. I should have gotten an A on that test. I should keep my house clean every day. I should be able to do what she does. I should be as successful as he is. My child should know better.

But are these things really so crucial? What will happen if you don’t weigh 10 pounds less? What if you don’t have a spotless house? What if your child makes a mistake? In the end, is it so catastrophic? Probably not enough to bind ourselves in anxiety and fear over. Maybe we can let go of some of the expectations we place on ourselves. Instead, maybe we can give ourselves room to be more realistic about what we can do or even need to do. I imagine life would feel a little more peaceful and happier.