Moving On

We’ve taken two big steps toward our divorce. We signed our final papers and we separated our finances. Sometimes I look around at what is going on and think that it can’t be real – that this couldn’t really be happening in my life. The plan was to get married, have kids, grow old together and be happy. Apparently he and I got different memos on that…

I feel like I have been on a roller coaster these last couple months. At first I felt so much peace and hope and reassurance that all will be well. And then I thought that this shouldn’t be happening so I tried to fight against it. I tried to understand why he was leaving and convince him that any reason he could give made no sense. Interestingly, during this period I felt really anxious, unsettled and afraid of my future. Then I accepted again that this was really happening, that nothing I did or said would ever change his mind. Peace began to return. Hope for the future started creeping in again. Does it mean this is easy? No. Does this make any more sense now? No. But in then end, this is what is happening. So I have decided to move forward and focus on the hope I felt for the rest of my life.

Exactly one week before he left, I had an amazing experience. I would like to share it even though it is personal. Over our marriage I knew I was learning a lot of important but hard lessons. That Monday, I got a clear message that this was my final lesson. I immediately felt an incredible flow of love. I felt that I was worthy. That I was a good person. That I had good qualities that I didn’t let myself see. That I was a good mother and a good wife. And so much more. I thought this meant our hard journey was over and we were moving on to good times. Instead, he left. But I knew without a doubt that it wasn’t my fault, that I wasn’t lacking in some way that caused this. See, in the past, I always felt that if I had been better, been more, certain problems wouldn’t exist. But this time, because of my lesson I had been given, I KNEW this wasn’t my fault.

As the weeks passed I received more confirmation, more experiences that let me know that I am loved, that I am good, that I have a good and happy future. Remembering those things hasn’t always been easy, but they are there when I focus on them. And amazingly, I felt a sense of Heavenly Father’s love for my husband as well. Because of this, I feel no hate or anger towards him. I feel sadness. I feel frustration sometimes. But no hate or anger. I genuinely want him to find what he is looking for and learn to be happy. And I know without a doubt that I will be.

So, here’s to moving on. To moving upward. I’m not completely off the roller coaster ride. I still feel sadness from time to time. But I am working on my future. I am working to start a photography business. I hope to have that going really soon! And for now, as the picture shows, this sweet boy is the man in my life. But I hope to find someone a little taller and a lot less hairy. I’m excited to find someone to be happy with. I am an introvert, but I am not a loner. I like having someone to share day-to-day life with. So, if anyone knows someone who is an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, who is honest and kind and funny and smart, let me know. And if that isn’t too much to ask for, bonus points for liking soccer and living in Utah County!

Let me know, how do you push yourself forward through something hard? What strategies do you have to focus on what you have than what you are going through?