Peace

This process is hard but really fascinating. I don’t know how many times over the last almost 9 months that I’ve thought I was in a good place, that I was really close to healed, that I was ready to move on. Times when I have felt really happy. Times that I’ve felt absolutely devastated. Times I’ve felt like I will never have the life I want. And then the next moment I start doing what I always do – daydreaming. I am an optimist and I daydream about all kinds of great things that are going to work out just right. And usually, they don’t.

This week has come with some significant frustrations. I just didn’t want to deal with this situation any more. I hate sharing my kids. I hate being treated horribly. I hate being alone. The usual. In that frustration I was even more frustrated that this seemed to be my future reality too.

But then things changed. I spent a lot of time praying. Praying that the inspirations I felt before about the great future I had ahead of me was truly inspiration or if I had just been doing my daydreaming thing again. Praying that I can not let the frustrations of my situation affect me and bring me down. I prayed to know that everything was going to be okay.

I haven’t gotten any specific answers about how things are going to work out. But I have to tell you, I have grown a lot in the last few days. I still hope some things in my situation change. But I am so happy with my life. I feel completely at peace and I know that things are going to be really good. And I am even at peace with being patient for it. Now that, that is progress! The other day I woke up and I didn’t want to get out of bed because for the first time since I can remember, I was truly relaxed and happy.

And for the first time in the past 9 months I thanked my Heavenly Father for where I am at in my life. My kids and I have a pretty good life. It isn’t perfect, but it turns out that life never is. I have great kids who do great things. I have a nice home and am back on the path to pursue my photography. And I know my kids and I have a good future ahead. And even though I can’t wait for that, I completely trust Heavenly Father’s plan for us.

I’ve been thinking through all of this that I used to know what my future held. I was going to spend the rest of my life here in my home. My kids would go the schools we planned. I would keep helping with the kids’ school and activities. Our grandkids would come visit our home where we raised our kids. Then it felt like all of that was taken away and I felt that my life was so uncertain and scary. But then I had a realization. Even though I thought my future was planned, it obviously still wasn’t! So now isn’t that much different than before really. Only now I am at peace.

I don’t know exactly what my future looks like – who I will be with, where my kids’ paths will go, what home I will end up in – but I don’t need to know. Maybe it sounds cheesy, but I really trust it will all be as it should be and possibly better than I can imagine right now.

So, I guess what I am trying to tell everyone right now is that I am happy. I am at peace. As I mentioned before, there have been so many times that I thought I was in a good place. That I was healed and ready to move on. But I realize now that I wasn’t. I’m sure there will be hard days still and frustrations to go with but that will always be the case. For now, I am truly thankful for my life, the path I am on and the future I know is waiting.