This Chapter

Keeping this blog has been an interesting experience. I know this is something I should be doing and where I need to be putting some of my focus. I also write what I am supposed to write. Sometimes I have an idea that I want to talk about but I’m not supposed to. For example, the anniversary of my engagement was a couple weeks ago. I wanted to write about how my first thought that day was I wish I could go back in time and scream, “say NO!” to myself but then I realized that so many great things I have experienced and that have come to me are because of my marriage. But I wasn’t supposed to write about it. Then I hit six months divorced two day after that. I thought about writing about that. But nope.

And then, while thinking about this blog, a thought hits me and I know that’s it. They are probably the lessons I need to focus on for my healing or life or future. Sometimes I sit right away and put it to words. Sometimes it needs to ruminate for a bit first. That’s how this one has been. I’ve been thinking about this topic for a week now. I’ve been struggling the past couple weeks – partly because of the things already mentioned – anniversary, milestone, and the dreaded upcoming Valentine’s Day too. But other circumstances have been hard and have emphasized the disappointment of the changes in my life.

It is possible that I overthink things sometimes, but I have often seen things that happen in my life or the lives of others as “part of my/their story.” Maybe it is because of my own experiences. Growing up, we moved a lot. As I got older, I realized that everyone in my family told stories that started with, “when we lived in…” I realized that our story was shaped by where we lived, so each move was a part of that story. And all along the way of my life I have marked significant or important events that have shaped, or changed, or directed my story.

I can think of some big markers in my story – deciding to move and go to college in Utah. Meeting my ex-husband. The decision we made for my ex-husband to switch graduate programs. My first child’s c-section that set the course for the rest of my deliveries. The short period that we realized we needed to rent before we bought so we moved to my current neighborhood. There are so many small moments too – the decision to sign my son up for soccer, which ended up leading to a lot of involvement with and love of the sport. Getting a dog. Going to my first PTA meeting.

As I’ve seen my life pass and noticed milestones, I have always been moving forward. But lately I have felt stuck. Stuck in the same hurt, the same frustrations, the same desires. The same “should haves.” I saw a quote online that caused me to think and evaluate. It said something to the effect of, “this isn’t your whole story, it is just one chapter.” This hit me because I think there is a part of me that fears that this is how the rest of my life is going to be. Now, I have so many wonderful and great things in my life and actually feel content for the most part. But I still struggle with hurt and pain. I still fear the future for me and my kids. I still am so afraid that I will always be alone.

But then I found this quote, “you can’t start the next chapter of your book if you keep re-reading the last one.” You know that feeling when you hear or read something simple but it opens something in your mind? Well, that’s what these two quotes have done for me. I have spent too much time go over and over the unfairness of everything that has happened to me. The not-okayness of what my ex-husband has done. The betrayal, the pain, the loss of so many things now and in the future.

I was talking today with my mom as I was in the middle of trying to distract myself from all the unpleasant feelings I was feeling. She suggested that maybe I should distract myself with things that work towards my future instead of hiding from what has happened. And really, that’s what I should be doing. Because the truth of the matter, of the story I am in if you will, is that this is where I am at. I can keep reading the same chapters over and over and getting upset over and over. Or I can turn the page and move forward. I think there is a good amount of fear that keeps me from doing that – fear that it won’t turn out the way I want, that I will fail, that no one will want me.

But what if I work to shape the future I want? For example, I love photography. I wanted to start a business. But I had some bad and uncomfortable experiences over the summer. It turns out that my lens was broken, but I convinced myself that I was no good. So I put my camera away until this month. My lens is getting repaired and I am going to try to start up this business again. But I need to do more than that to make this all successful. And really, it should theoretically be possible to study, learn, practice, market and make it work. At least I hope so!

I know there are things less in my control that I will have to trust about. But one thing I can control is my own healing. If I don’t keep moving through my story, I can’t heal. I need to stop reliving the past and focus on the future. It is a bit of a mixed bag. It is the past that will define the course of my future. My life will now not include my ex-husband. When big events or occasions happen in my kids’ lives, we won’t be experiencing them together. We won’t play with our grandkids together. And so many other things. On the other hand, hopefully I will have someone else in my life to experience those things with. So, while getting divorced shapes my future, I need to also leave it behind so I can find out what the next chapter will be.

And while I am excited for the next chapter of my life and am resolved to work towards it, I can remember that this hard, painful, lonely period isn’t the entire story. It is just a part. A part that will pass. And I really need to remember that sometimes.