The Unwanted Emotion

I fell apart today. At church. In front of people. In front of my kids. Ugh. Here’s the background. For those not of my church, we have jobs to do, and they are known as callings. After we receive a calling, we are given a priesthood blessing to help with that calling, known as being set-apart. Today my son was set-apart for a calling he received. I went to his classroom because there were four boys being set-apart and the parents were invited to come.

So there I sat with all the other parents. One by one the boys were set-apart. Each one had a dad in the circle of men giving the blessing. Each one gave his dad a hug after. Then my son’s turn came last. He had no dad there with him. No dad to hug after. So they had him give me a hug instead. And I was crying. Really, I was crying through the whole thing when I realized what my son was missing.

Here’s the thing. I’m not surprised this happened. I wish I hadn’t gotten all emotional in front of people, but I have had something building in me for a week or so that I haven’t let myself deal with yet. Something I haven’t let myself deal with at all in the last eight months. Something I honestly didn’t want to feel because I didn’t think I should. But it turns out that even if you suppress something, it will pop up anyway. Apparently I can’t just will it away.

In the months leading up to my ex-husband leaving and the months after, he made it clear that he didn’t like me getting mad at him. And I did get mad at him sometimes. But we’re not talking about mad over stupid things like leaving the toilet seat up. There were legitimate, big things going on that were upsetting and painful throughout our whole marriage. He told me that me getting upset with him was one of the reasons he had to divorce me. So I let myself believe that it was bad or wrong to be mad at him for things he did.

But that isn’t the only reason I have pushed these feelings down. Anger and being mad at someone are a negative emotions. I really try not to be upset with people and I try give them the benefit of the doubt. I generally am not easily offended. I don’t want to be mad at people.

But guess what? I am mad! I have tried for eight months to not feel it. To focus on moving forward, the happy things in my life, my blessings, my future, etc. But boy, it apparently just hid for a bit and has been pushing its way up lately. And I have still been trying to ignore it. And to prove to me that it isn’t going anywhere, I fell apart at church today. I was upset partially because I was sad for my son but mostly because I am mad that this is his reality.

Grief and healing are interesting things. It takes you all over the place and round and round. And it seems that it is possible to feel different emotions at the same time, sometimes opposite emotions even. For example, I was laying in my bed with my daughter last night and I looked at her and just felt this overwhelming love for my life. At the same time, I knew that I had this building negative feelings because of the awful things I have gone through. This process is ever-evolving and changing. And I can see how people go through this in all different ways and order.

So even though I don’t want to, I need to feel mad. I need to work through the negative feelings in me to keep moving forward. I need to let myself feel these things. Because they are there. I am so mad that he made the choices he made that led him to make this final choice to leave. I am so mad that he has chosen to live the life he is living. I am really mad that my kids don’t come home everyday to a mom AND dad. I am mad that he has made his life his priority over his kids. I am mad about what he did to me, to our marriage, to our family. He took our forever family and broke it. He made promises to me over and over and broke every single one of them. He has said and done some really horrible things to me in the last eight months and that isn’t okay.

There’s a start. But it isn’t enough. I’m not exactly sure the right way to move through this but I am going to use all the tools I have learned. I’m going to start by writing. I’ve learned that putting down my feelings really helps me move through them, which is one of the reasons I keep this blog. So I am going to “yell” at some paper and write out all of the things I am hurt and mad about. And then I am going to let it go. I will also be doing a whole lot of praying to let it go and find peace again. And I will let myself cry. I know I will get through it. I know I need to. And I am really hoping that by actually letting myself feel and move through the anger I have over everything I will be able to let go of him even more and find a more complete healing.