Living On

I saw this quote on Facebook today and I loved it! I am ready for 2020! My ex-husband and I used to always say, “well, next year can’t be worse!” and then it always was, culminating with this year. But I have total faith that great things are going to happen next year! I hit an important emotional milestone yesterday that I didn’t even know I still needed to get to. I had a strong feeling come over me that I was now ready.

I was talking to my mom yesterday or the day before about some frustrating experiences I have been having. She keeps worrying that I am going to fall apart again. I get it, I have had a really hard year emotionally and fell apart many times. So I tried to explain to her where I am at and why that will not happen again. And that’s when I realized something (not the something I talked about above) so exciting – I am happy. Okay, that’s not new, but when I tried to explain it I realized that deep down, in my core, I am happy. That core used to be anxiety. In everything I did I still had this underlying anxiety that something was going to go wrong. And boy, did it! But now, that underlying feeling I have in everything I do or experience is happiness! So yes, I experience hard and frustrating things still, things I don’t want to deal with even. But I’m not going to fall apart. I feel strong. I feel confident.

Sometimes I feel really overwhelmed with all that I am responsible for. I have my house, my three kids, my five animals (ugh…), my half-acre yard, not to mention trying to keep my kids emotionally and spiritually as strong as possible. There have been times lately that I haven’t felt up to the challenge. I have cried because I wish I had someone here to help me when things are heavy, emotionally or physically (I might have cried when I had to get hay myself and realized I physically couldn’t carry it!) Sometimes I think, “holy crap, I can’t do this!” But then I do something and think, “holy crap, I’m doing this!” And I basically swing between the two.

But in all of everything I am responsible for, I am happy. I feel like any further blessing would just be icing on the cake. And I look forward to it! So, here are my goals for 2020. I want to date and *hopefully* find the amazing man who will add something great to my family and home. I want to get my business fully up and marketed and successful. I will find out in the next couple weeks if another one of my goals will be happening (fingers crossed!) Other than that, I want to keep living my life with my kids. I want to play games, serve at the school, practice songs with my daughter, help my kids with homework, cheer my son in a fun soccer season, have dance parties, and do a million loads of laundry. I have a good life and I am excited for the next phase!

One thing I am horrible at, which I have mentioned several times, is patience. I want to have the things I want or accomplish the things I want to accomplish now. I don’t necessarily want there to be a long process. I also don’t like the part where sometimes you fail and have to try again. So I am putting a concerted effort this coming year on being more patient, especially in trusting Heavenly Father’s promises.

A few weeks ago in Sunday School the teacher asked how we develop patience. That isn’t a mind blowing question, pretty normal really. But for some reason it stuck with me. Maybe because I have been trying to figure that out myself lately! We actually didn’t get into too much of a discussion about it, but I am glad because it has let me really think about how I could work on developing patience, something I really, really need!

I decided to first figure out why I am impatient a lot. And, because I am left-brained, I broke it down to approximate percentages of reasons. First, excitement. I am someone who gets excited a lot and easily. I love being excited. So I think that my excitement of wanting or doing or experiencing something accounts for 75% of my impatience. Next, my type-a personality. When I know something needs to happen or is going to happen, I just want to make it happen. I don’t want to wait. So, I gave that 10%. The last reason I thought of is discomfort or dislike for my current situation or something that is going on. Sometimes I just want things to change! That gets a solid 15%. I’m sure these numbers fluctuate, especially depending on the situation. Like, I am really excited to get married again. That is probably more like 60% excited 40% dislike of not being married! This is probably a weird way to look at it, but oh well!

So, now that I have identified why I am impatient, I can work on countering those causes. If I am excited I just need to remind myself that it will be just as exciting when it happens as it would be now. If I am just being type-a, well, that one is tough to combat! But I will just have to force myself! Dislike of my situation? Well, there is a lot of good to focus on while I am waiting. Even things I can work on to help pass the time.

I can’t wait to see what 2020 has in store for me! I know there will still be hard times. Some things I am already worried about. But there is potential for some pretty great things too! I know my Heavenly Father loves me, is good, and will bless me with what I need when I need it. So it is my job to trust and be patient. I will work towards my goals, understanding that things don’t always come instantly (although if He chooses to bless me with some that do, I wouldn’t mind!) There is so much good in my life, in all our lives, and I can’t wait to keep living!