Have you ever eaten so much that you felt like you could pop…or explode? I admit I have done that a time or two…or a lot more. I was thinking about that today as I sat in church and felt a similar feeling but in a good way. Our lesson was about how we can be happy no matter what is going on in our lives and how faith can help that process. I felt so full I could burst. I don’t even know if I could put it all into words, but I just felt so much gratitude and faith in our Heavenly Father. I am so grateful that He has been working with me to replace my sorrow with happiness. I have a few thoughts I want to share from the last little bit.
First, I want to share a little background. Fifteen years ago from right now, my ex-husband and I were talking about getting married. I knew without a doubt that I was supposed to marry him. As I have mentioned before about personal revelation, I received very clear and strong confirmation that that was the right thing to do. And I was excited. He proposed in January and we were married in May. The morning of our wedding I received another very strong impression. Our marriage was going to be really hard for a long time (I was thinking around 10 years or so) and then it was going to be better than I could even imagine. This was not what I wanted to feel on my wedding day. Even though I felt concerned about that revelation, I brushed it aside and went about the day and enjoyed all of the experiences we had.
Well, our marriage turned out to be hard right from the get-go. I got really sick three weeks after we got married and then got pregnant right after that, which made me sick again! This led to circumstances that caused pain and heartache for the next fourteen years. Now, it wasn’t all bad. We had a lot of great times too. I was hanging on to the promise I received of a really happy marriage. I figured as long as I was willing to keep hanging on it would all work out. So I fought and worked and kept going.
It turns out that people have the option of making whatever decisions they want. And in the quick span of two days my life changed completely as I have talked about frequently. I lost my husband. I lost my security. I lost time with my kids. I lost activities I love. I lost financial security. I remember one day months ago crying to my mom that I just couldn’t lose anything more. I didn’t understand for a while how and why the promise I had so clearly received would never happen with my ex-husband.
For the last few days I have been thinking about the story of Job in the Bible. And then it was part of our lesson today! Job lost everything – more than I can even imagine. At first he was upset and complained. I find it interesting that this great beacon of an example of faith complained. I think it is okay for us to have those down moments. But, it is what we do with those moments and after them that makes all the difference. That is why I love this story and why it is so meaningful to me right now. Job had a choice at the beginning of his journey. He could focus on the unfairness of his situation. He could blame God. He could become bitter. But he didn’t. He turned to God and his faith. And that is what made all the difference. In the end he was blessed with more than he had lost.
Sometimes I visualize what something intangible looks like. I want to understand how an idea works beyond the abstract. What does turning to God through faith look like? Perhaps it is different for everyone and every circumstance. I have learned through my trials what it looks like for me. I picture prayer and asking Him to give the strength I need. Sometimes I picture it more like desperately clinging to Him. I see going to the temple and being in places and circumstances that allow Him to send the Spirit to guide, reassure, send love and strengthen faith. I have a feeling Job spent a lot of time on his knees pleading for strength to keep going.
Now back to my story. My ex-husband left me on May 27th, which was Memorial Day. That weekend my parents had rented a big house out of town for a family trip with them, us and my brother’s family. Things were not good. My ex-husband was cold towards me and separated himself a lot from the rest of us. The 26th, which was a Sunday, he left after I got upset a bit with him for how he was acting. He didn’t want to be there with me anymore. I felt myself starting to fall apart. I was so afraid that what I had been dreading most in my fourteen years of marriage was going to happen. After he left, my brother and I headed up to a room in the house and he gave me a priesthood blessing. He told me that Heavenly Father loved me and had great things in store for me. I had the strong realization that he would keep his promises to me despite the choices my then husband made. I knew this meant that even though he chose to not be a part of the happy marriage I had been promised, I would still have that promise. And I have been holding dearly to that promise of a promise.
Back in July I posted this quote:
The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.
Joseph B. Wirthlin
I remembered it today as I thought about Job. Because of the faith he exercised he was blessed with more than he lost. I know that that is not just unique to Job. Heavenly Father will bless us beyond what we can imagine if we hold out faithful through all we have to go through. We don’t know when it will happen, but it will. I lost a husband and a marriage. But he has promised me a marriage that is amazing. I have lost things I love but He has shown me glimpses of what He has in store for me and my life. I have no doubt at all that He will be true to His promises as we are true to our faith in Him.
And I am starting to see the beginnings of those blessings. Have you noticed that after it rains the world seems so much fresher and beautiful? That’s how I feel about my life. I am finding so much more happiness in all the activities I get to be a part of. My kids and I have been so blessed to be a part of some amazing things. He is showing me bit by bit the path I need to take in my life and I am excited about it, which makes being patient hard sometimes because I can’t wait to see it all fit together.
I want to say one more thing, which I have said a lot throughout this process – God is good, so very good! I know that I have not come close to conveying in this post the extreme love and gratitude I have for Him and all He has done for me and my kids not only these last six months, but the last fourteen years. He has never left me alone. He has let me work things out sometimes but every time I feel myself coming to a breaking point, He has sent peace and comfort. He sends the blessings and experiences we need when we need them, in the good times and the bad times. And that is why I know, without a doubt, that He is there. That He is good. That He loves each and every one of us no matter what.
Sunshine and Rainstorms 