I feel like most of my posts lately have begun with some version of how hard things are and such. But I want to start with a different tone. After I made the realizations I made last post, I have made so much progress. I feel so…happy. I still have moments of sadness but in general I am feeling pretty good. I have such amazing kids and I love them so much. I just got to spend fall break with them and I loved it…except for the fighting…and whining… 🙂 I am surrounded by so many great people and have truly felt loved. My family is so supportive. And my Heavenly Father is so good.
I have had some interesting experiences lately. Hanging on to the hope and optimism for my future is hard some times. I worry that it won’t look like I want it to. That it will be hard for a long time. That I will miss something or do or not do something and miss out. And basically, I am super, super, super impatient. I am ready to move on with my life. I don’t want to be defined by my divorce. I want to start the next phase of my life. Which, I guess I am, but I want to be a wife again, a partner again. I want to know what my future is going to look like and I want it to happen sooner than later. Did I mention I am a bit impatient?
Before I go further, I want to explain something. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We believe in personal revelation. For those not of my faith, that means that we can receive inspiration from Heavenly Father through the Holy Ghost. This inspiration can tell of us of truth, warn us of danger and give answers to questions. We can receive inspiration about what things we need to do, or what decisions we need to make. Receiving inspiration is amazing and reassuring. Soon after my ex-husband left I wanted to know what my life was going to be. If I would be happy again. If I would be loved. I spent a lot of time in prayer and received so much reassurance that I would have a great marriage and be happier than I could imagine.
But I didn’t know, and still don’t know, how that will happen. And I didn’t know how to get past everything that had happened to me and all the pain. So in prayer I told my Heavenly Father to tell me what steps I need to take when I need to take them – to give me one step at a time. And He has. Sometimes they come in quick succession. Sometimes they do not. Some I understand, some I do not. But I have tried to follow each one as they have come. And I am very interested to see how they all come together. Recently they have been more spread out. The past week and a half or so I have been feeling really anxious and antsy. At the same time I had something I felt like I really wanted and needed to do. But it took me that whole week or more to realize the two feelings went together! So I did it, the thing I felt like I needed to do. And afterwards I felt so much peace. The outcome wasn’t even what I was hoping, but I knew it was what I was supposed to do. I felt like I was back on the path He has for me.
So why am I telling you all this? Well, as I said, I have been struggling with patience. And because of that, I feel like I haven’t been trusting Heavenly Father as much as I should. I am more of a make-things-happen kind of girl than a let-things-happen kind of girl. And just waiting is so hard. But I also know that I have felt strongly the promises He has made to me and the blessings He has waiting for me. He has given me glimpses and I can’t wait. But I worry that if I am not doing anything to make them happen, they won’t happen. Or that maybe I misunderstood the feelings I have had. I feel like this has been the strongest trial of my faith. Not my faith in Heavenly Father. I know He is there. I know He loves me. More a trial of my faith in His blessings for me.
These thoughts have been on my mind a lot lately. Yesterday I was reading a conference talk by one of our Church leaders that reminded me that I need to have faith and patience. He told the story of Nephi in the Book of Mormon when he was commanded to go back to Jerusalem to get the brass plates that the scriptures were written on. He had no idea how he was going to do this but he went without hesitation. He and his brothers tried a couple of things but they didn’t work. And then Nephi says, “And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.” But as he went he was inspired to know what to do. And he was successful. He was going step-by-step, like me, and he was able to do what he was hoping to accomplish.
This talk referenced another scripture – Abraham 2:8, “My name is Jehovah, and I know the end from the beginning, therefore my hand shall be over thee,” This scripture then reminded me of a quote I found six years ago and wrote down:
Few doctrines, save those pertaining to the reality of the existence of God, are more basic than the truth that God is omniscient… God is perfect in the attributes of divinity, and one of these is knowledge… God, who knows the beginning from the end, knows, therefore, all that is in between.
Neal A. Maxwell
So, here’s my call to action to myself: keep trusting. Be patient. Allow Him to continue to guide me. I will probably need to keep repeating these things to myself. He knows who I am and who I will be. What my life was, is and will be. And more than that, He wants me to be happy – He wants us all to be happy. Who better to trust, then, with my life and decisions? The key for me here, though? Be patient! Be patient! Be patient! Let Him work His plan. This could involve many moving parts that take time. But hopefully not too much time… 🙂
Sunshine and Rainstorms 