Well, it has been a while since I wrote. Honestly, the couple weeks I have been emotionally overwhelmed. Like, a lot. It is uncomfortable, hard, sad, and many other things, but I am okay with it. I know that going through this should be overwhelming and if it wasn’t I wouldn’t feel like I am processing and working through things like I need to. My ex-husband was the most important person in my life for 14 years and now he is supposed to be nothing more than a distant co-parent. He was my best friend and now we cannot be friends anymore. He was the one I talked to about everything – our hopes, fears, dreams, frustrations and everything else. And now we can’t communicate at all. He was my partner in life and parenting and now he is a completely separate person. Man, that’s hard and I am going to be emotionally overwhelmed I would think.
I have been able to realize and work through some important things because of my emotional state. I already knew that part of me was holding on to the hope that my ex-husband would wake up, metaphorically, one day and remember who he was, his love for me and our life and his faith. That he would come back because of this realization. But I realized that if that even happened, which it won’t, that it is too late. I couldn’t make a relationship with him that would be emotionally safe for me. So I am letting go of that hope. I am mourning the loss of that hope. But I know it is the right thing to do.
This may seem strange, but I recently had a dream that helped me realize something else. My mind has been thinking of my ex-husband as two people, thinking of them at different times and in different situations. Sometimes he was still my Mike, the one I knew and loved and had a life with. Other times he was this new Mike, one that I don’t know and can’t interact with. But I have to really and seriously say goodbye to my Mike. He is gone. The Mike in Mike and Erica is not in my life anymore. And I need to not forget that when I think of him, when I am around him, when I have to talk to him. He is not mine. My Mike is gone. I keep trying to tell myself that.
Along with that idea, I have to stop thinking about and of my Mike. I still think of things I would tell him. I have to keep stopping myself from getting things for him that I know he would like or need. But he is not mine. As I have tried to remember this the last few weeks I have felt more peace. I also have found myself letting go of the little panic attacks I was having frequently like I usually did when I was married to him because of things I would see or worry about. So even though I have to give up all the good we had and I felt for him, I am also letting go of the bad, both of which are necessary and will lead to me being more emotionally healthy and ready for my future.
But among the sad and the mourning, I have found good as well. Soon after my ex-husband left I noticed that my laugh was back. I didn’t even realize it was gone until it was back. I find myself now laughing more naturally and louder. And I love it! I love laughing. I love joking, being silly, and finding humor in life. And I feel freer to do those things and enjoy them. In fact, I was thinking that I want to find a man that is just as likely to whisper something in my ear to make me laugh as something sweet or romantic. I have been able to enjoy my kids more, my life more and the little things around me. I find myself living with less anxiety and stress despite my circumstances. I have found a stronger sense of gratitude for my kids and who they are. They are still frustrating because they are…well, kids. But I just love them so much and appreciate them in my life to a greater degree than I did before. My faith is stronger than ever because of the miracles, blessings and love I have received from and through my Heavenly Father. So there has been so much good among all the hard and bad.
So, I am going to continue my process. I know nothing is new or exciting in this process or post, but it is where I am at. And writing about it really helps. I know the work I am doing is necessary even though a big part of me wants to just not deal with it and hide. But I will eventually make it safely to the other side of this. I will be happy, secure, and settled again. Now to just be patient and trust this to all happen as I am in the thick of letting go of all I thought my life was going to be and look like and the man I hoped to share it with. But, as I tell my son who has a great aversion to change, sometimes change is good and for our benefit. As we heard in our Church’s general conference last weekend,
In a paradoxical way, afflictions and sorrow prepare us to experience joy if we will trust in the Lord and His plan for us. This truth is beautifully expressed by a 13th-century poet: “Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”
-L. Todd Budge
Sunshine and Rainstorms 