I’m afraid of…

So, if I tell you all something, will you try not to judge me? Or tease me? Or maybe even remember it? Well, here we go. All my adult life I have been afraid of the dark. True story. At night, if I heard noises I would be afraid. But if I went to try to see what it was I would be stuck at the top of the stairs, heart pounding, unable to go further. My ex-husband was nice enough to generally humor me and go look. I don’t know why I have been afraid of the dark, I just have been. Like, heart-poundingly so.

But something amazing happened. Since the moment my-ex-husband moved out I am no longer afraid of the dark. I go down stairs often when it is dark without a second thought. I am home alone many nights and it doesn’t bother me past missing my kids. And even one of those nights last week the power went out at 10 pm and it was really, really dark. And I was by myself. But I was okay! I was calm. No heart pounding at all. I know this was a gift from my Heavenly Father. He knew I needed to be able to deal with life on my own. I am really grateful for that help.

That night of the power outage was when I realized that my fear of the dark is gone. The next day and since I have been thinking about fear. We are told a lot that faith and fear can’t exist at the same time. I’m not sure about that though. There are a lot of things that I fear but I have 100% faith in my Heavenly Father. I know that in the end things will always be okay. But I still don’t want certain things to happen. If I loose one of my kids, I know I would be with them again. But I still don’t want that to happen. But I do have anxiety that centers on safety. This means that I do have to block out my fears so I let my kids live normally.

And you know what else I realized? I have a lot of fear right now. I am afraid of the future. I am afraid that I will always be alone. I’m afraid that if I’m not alone the same thing will happen with someone else that happened with my ex-husband. I’m afraid that I will never be financially stable again. I’m afraid that the online business I am trying to start and desperately want will not work out. I am afraid of how everything that is happening will affect my kids. I’m afraid of interacting with my ex-husband. I’m afraid of my daughter’s emotions she won’t get out fully. And so many other things…

*Deep breath* or maybe five. I know it is all going to be okay. I know the promises that Heavenly Father has made with me. I know He has an amazing plan for me. It will work out at some point. But it so hard to remember that, or to at least focus on it. But just like I have to push past my safety anxiety for my kids to enjoy life, I need to push past my fears so I can move forward with my life. I have had days that I have been completely unproductive because I have been frozen, heart pounding, unable to move forward.

But I have also had moments and days of amazing hope. Times of excited motivation. And I find so much joy in my kids. I have felt the love of my Heavenly Father. So, what do I need to do? I can keep letting my fear take over and move forward slowly. And some days still might look like that. But I need to turn more of my days over to Heavenly Father, and to faith. I need that to be my focus. And when I do I feel excited and motivated towards my future. But it isn’t easy. Nope, pretty hard sometimes. But it is possible.

I was thinking about this this morning as I was driving when a song came on my Pandora station that I needed. I will embed it at the end of this so you can hear it because it is beautiful. The song was “Be Still My Soul” sung by David Archuleta. It isn’t a new song to me, it is in our hymn book. I’ve sung it many times myself. But as things tend to do in different situations, it held a new meaning to me today as I was thinking about my fears. Listen to these lines:

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake To guide the future as he has the past. Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; All now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

How perfect was that to hear?! Even though we can’t see how the parts of our lives are moving or how He is planning, He is there. And that is what I need to remember. That is where my focus needs to be. And I do feel like He is guiding me. But then my fear makes me doubt what I am doing or forget the reassurance I have received. But He has all power. He knows all. Now to just keep trusting.