It is entirely possible that I have spent more of the last 24 hours crying than not. Just when I think I can’t possibly be hurt more, I am. But I had an experience in the middle of everything that made me think of this picture. First, a little more background on myself. Since I was young I had this intense need to be good. I knew that I needed to live my life as above reproach as I possibly could. Sometimes this caused anxiety as I wanted to make sure I did my best. But I would always rather live with the stress of making sure I am doing the right than the anxiety and the guilt of doing wrong.
My grandmother loved family history. Soon after I graduated high school she sent me a binder of pictures and stories and histories of my ancestors. That is when I first saw this picture – she is my Great-Great Grandmother. I loved it. I felt like she embodied everything I wanted to be. Is it possible to feel that someone was good just by their picture? In this photo I saw goodness, confidence, strength. Her image has stayed in my mind since then and have thought of it as I have decided who I want to be. And as I read about her, it seems that she was just as I thought her to be. I hope some day to leave that kind of legacy.
So back to my story. I was up until the early morning hours crying. I let myself just cry and hurt. And I prayed and prayed and prayed. At some point I told Him that I have fought so hard but I felt like I was finally at my limit of what I could handle. That it was just too hard. I couldn’t do it. And then in my mind I saw an image of myself straightening up tall in a way that told me that that was who I was and I could do this. And then I thought of that picture. Upright. Resolute. Good. Confident. And while I still feel sometimes that I cannot do this, that the pain is absolutely too great, I am trying so hard to hold onto my faith and push myself.
And when I think of that image of myself, of the image of my Great-Great Grandmother, I think of what kind of person I am, of the choices I am making, of the way I treat others. I am quite aware of how imperfect I am. I know that I have moments in my life that are less than graceful and that I probably should have done differently. But I can say with 100% confidence that I would not fear any man or God reviewing any moment of my life. Like I said, there may be somethings I would cringe at, some I might be embarrassed about. But I have tried my very best to live a life I can be happy with. I don’t want to give the impression that I think myself great and above anyone else. I just want to explain how I am trying to process things in my life right now.
Now, I want to switch gears for a minute. My daughter has had the great opportunity to join a local children’s choir – the One Voice Children’s Choir. She is in the prep choir so she can learn how to be in a choir and sing parts and all that. This summer when things were so hard for us all she got to perform with them and rehearse. It was so amazing – listening to those kids sing brought such amazing peace and happiness. And it gave her a place to belong and new friends just when she needed it. Anyway, last weekend they had a parents meeting where the choir and the parents met together to learn more about the choir. And then they had one of their board members do a training.
In her training, the speaker told us about eight keys for excellence. I wanted to talk about the first one. It was integrity. She described it in such a good way that I wanted to share it. She told the kids to hold out their right hand. This hand represented their beliefs, the things important to them, who they want to be. Then she told them to hold out their other hand. This hand represented their actions. She then told them to put their hands together. She said this represented integrity – when their actions go together with their beliefs they were living life with integrity. I really liked her way of describing that to the kids.
The next thing she explained to the kids is how living with integrity will affect their lives. Integrity creates confidence. It builds self-esteem. She told them it shows resect for themselves and others. I am so glad they were taught this important lesson. And it was a good lesson for me. I loved it. It reminded me that confidence before God and man comes through integrity. And that is why I will continue to try to live my life the best I can because heaven knows I need a boost in confidence right now.
So, going back to my Great-Great Grandmother. I hope someday when my kids, grandkids, or even great-grandkids see a picture of me they will tell stories about me that they learn from. I hope they will look at me and see strength, confidence, and goodness. I hope that I can live my life worthy of that.
Sunshine and Rainstorms 