A late night, self-indulgent post

It is pretty late but I can’t sleep. At first it was because I kept thinking about business ideas I have. But when I tried to turn off, my brain went to another place. I realized a couple days ago that I have not really let myself fully mourn what has happened in my life. I have been trying to hold it all together – to continue on with life and stay hopeful in looking towards the future. I’ve gotten up everyday, showered, taken care of my kids, volunteered at the school, done whatever I needed to do. And I want to keep doing that, but it is getting harder. I have moved to only half-way functioning. So I decided that I needed to let myself mourn, instead of pushing it down unsuccessfully. Today…or yesterday at this point…was the day I let myself begin that process because the kids are with my ex-husband.

I stayed in bed for a long time. I just didn’t want to do anything. I wanted to feel and work through the loss I have experienced. And if I let myself think about it, he is still everywhere here in the house. I noticed the little piece of wood we added to our bathroom floor – our first project in our house, and even though it was so small, we were so proud of ourselves. I walk passed the kids rooms that we painted together while listening to Ted talks. The pictures I have on display are of trips we took together. The goats out back were his buddies and he loved taking care of them. In fact, he just loved taking care of our house. He loved our yard and mowing it. He spent so much time out back playing soccer with the kids. We talked about how we were going to grow old here and have our grandkids visit us here.

We were so poor when he was in grad school. We couldn’t afford date nights so we would get a brownie mix or some other cheap dessert and play a game or watch a documentary. I remember one night when I was pregnant with our first baby I desperately wanted a slurpee and fries. He went out and got them for me and he was so happy. Occasionally we splurged and went to the beach or went to visit family in Utah. We drove between Las Vegas and Utah so many times than I still look for all the places we would stop to take care of kids or visit favorite locations. When we took the birth class before we had our first baby we just couldn’t keep it serious. You should see him trying to count on his fingers while saying the number. We laughed a lot. He was with me through every surgery and recovery, taking care of me and the baby. Those were sweet times.

I loved watching him wrestle and play with his two boys when they were toddlers. He was so playful back then and they loved it. We had so many favorite lines from the kids that we would use for lots of occasions. When the kids were little and he was in school, we would put the kids to bed and watch Frasier together because it came on tv at either 9:00 or 10:00. We laughed ourselves through the whole series many times over. We had the same sense of humor. We just recently introduced the kids to our favorite Frasier clip and they loved it!

I remember so many things that he has erased from his mind. The good times. We loved getting a bowl of ice cream and playing a game together. We did this so many times. I loved sitting on the couch with him next to me showing me his nerdy coaching app while we discussed the players on our son’s soccer team and who should start where and the strengths and weaknesses of each player and our excitement about their future. We always went to bed together – always. We would often stay up way too late talking. Frequently, even up until he left, we would put Disney songs on and sing along together while we worked or played. I loved listening to him play the piano. Often I would sit on the couch next to him and just listen.

We went to RSL soccer games for the last three years to celebrate our anniversary, including the one three weeks before he left. We held hands and we walked to the stadium, enjoyed the game and then held hands as we walked back to the car. He sent me a text saying he loved me and looked forward to more years together on our last anniversary.

He got super silly every time he was done with work for the weekend, especially if we were going on a little trip somewhere. Now when I pass the Browse exit going south I won’t have someone next to me saying, “I think this looks like a good place to get off and look around” while I roll my eyes at him. We went through so much together. Two grad programs, internship, job hunting, starting a practice – twice! – a lawsuit, difficult clients, etc. I remember one time last fall when we were both overwhelmed by one of his client’s needs we skipped the third hour of church and just walked around holding hands, crying, and talking about how we were going to get through it together.

We used to love Fridays. He would get off work at 2:00 which meant we had a bit of time alone together before the kids got home. He would grab something to eat and I would sit with him and we would just talk. Then we would go together to pick up the kids from school. That stopped happening in the month before he left. He started staying late at work. Lots of things stopped happening before he left. I guess I should have seen what was happening. But I didn’t.

We had a lot we needed to work through, sometimes we did it well, sometimes not. Just like every marriage. But I felt like we were always in it together. He vowed to be patient with me like I was being with him. In January we actually separated for a couple weeks because something needed to be resolved. At that point he told me he loved me, that I was his best friend, that he wanted to be with me more than anything else. And we started fresh. I believed we were on our way. I didn’t think our marriage would end. In fact, I kept telling my family how well things were going. Because I really thought they were.

Then one day everything changed. And I have to let myself mourn that. One day I had a husband, a partner, a best friend. Then I didn’t. I lost all those things. And I wasn’t prepared for it because I wasn’t expecting it. I knew he was acting differently (and others did too…) but I had no clue why that was and what it was leading to. I was all in. And I thought he was too, because he had told me so just a few weeks before. But I lost the man I married. I lost my best friend that shared so many good times with me. I lost the partner that I helped build a career and family with. I was always so proud of him.

I guess this has been a pretty self-indulgent post. I felt like I needed to express what I am mourning. I have had people tell me that mourning a divorce is so much worse than the death of a spouse. I have no clue if that is true, I’m sure they are both horrible. But there is so much that comes with losing a husband this way. The heartbreak that comes from him choosing to leave and a whole host of other circumstances that add hurt and betrayal. But I need to let myself actually feel the pain fully and mourn his loss. I think part of me doesn’t because I don’t want it to be real. I don’t want to feel the intensity of it either. But I have to.

I am so grateful, though, that I have not been in this alone. There are so many great people who have truly “mourned with those that mourn.” So many sweet people give me hugs and ask how I am doing and tell me they love and support me. My neighbors have been absolutely amazing and my lawn is the best it has ever been because of them! My family works to remind me of who I am and the future I have ahead of me while making sure I am taken care of. I have received little notes, messages and gifts that make me feel loved in this heartbreaking time. And really, all of these things are mourning with me – understanding that I am going through somethings so hard and offering help, sympathy, empathy and love. And of course my Heavenly Father has been with me every minute and every step. This would be a whole lot harder without all of that.