Funk. Funky Funk Funk Funk. That’s where I’ve been. Or maybe I’m sick. I’m not sure. Either way I haven’t felt too motivated or energetic the last few days. Things have just been hard. I can see my kids struggling. My daughter is fighting talking to and spending time with her dad. My ex-husband came over and he just looks and seems so different. I have had a hard time not thinking about what he is doing and how not fair things are (like I said before, I still haven’t mastered my healthy patterns yet!) And to top it all off, my daughter broke her arm Saturday night. Listening to her frantically cry was so hard. I am so glad I got to be with her and take care of her but I wished I had a partner to go through it with.
I’ve been thinking about fear. I think one of the reasons I get stuck in a funk is that I am afraid. I’m afraid that this hard situation will only get worse. That my ex-husband with only get worse. That my kids will struggle for the rest of their lives because of the choices their dad is making. That I will always be alone. There is a whole lot of unhealthy for you! And really, that is why I am trying so hard to focus on being mentally healthy and strong – because when I’m not I fall into a deep pit of funk. I do know that it is normal to have an ebb and flow of emotions. It is normal to have down times. I just want to make sure I am moving in the right direction to be at peace.
I don’t believe that fear in and of itself is bad or wrong. Fear is a completely natural and normal response. As my ex-husband would teach people, fear keeps us from doing dangerous things. But when we let fear rule our lives, our decisions, and our relationships then it becomes a problem. Fear also becomes anxiety because often anxiety is simply fear of the unknown, usually the future. For example, we fear getting in a car accident so we are anxious about driving because we don’t know for sure that we will be safe. And living with anxiety is not pleasant! It has negative behavioral and physical consequences. I say that with experience!
Okay, so I think this is where I need to remind myself about how to deal with my fear and anxiety. I have actually had years of experience with this but I feel like the ante has been upped! I have anxiety that centers around safety and decisions. I can tell you all kinds of ridiculous things I have worried over, but unfortunately with anxiety it all feels very real and important. For example, when my oldest was a baby I would literally worry about what to dress him in because I was afraid I would regret the choice and wish I could dress him in what he was wearing a different day. This is actually still something I fight. On the other side of my anxiety, I have seen in my head so many ways for my kids to be hurt or die. It is absolutely horrible. It is not a good way to live so I knew I had to do something to take back control in my life.
Over the course of the last ten years or so I have been training myself how to not let my anxieties impact my quality of life. The first step was allowing myself to feel my anxiety so I could confront it – I needed to understand what was triggering my anxiety so I knew what I was actually afraid of having happen. At first I just felt anxious and scared but didn’t know why. I was able to learn that I was afraid of doing the wrong thing and I was afraid of something happening to someone I care about. And really, I am still afraid of those things. But I know how to handle it now.
So, next step. Once I understood what I was afraid of I let myself follow my fears through. Then I could assess whether the outcome I feared was really something to be afraid of, if it was likely or if it was worth inhibiting the way I lived over. Am I still terrified of something happening to my kids? Yeah. But I remind myself that the likelihood of my feared outcomes is pretty low so not worth making them live in a bubble doing very little in their lives. So, I let them do things. And guess what. My daughter just broke her arm. But she is going to be just fine.
Acknowledging and confronting our fears is really powerful. By doing those things we are able to take back control of our lives. We are able to live more fully. We find more peace. But that doesn’t stop life. Hard things continue to find us. But hopefully the more we face our fears the easier it gets to do so. So, here I go. Time to keep facing my current fears so I can keep moving forward in my life.
Sunshine and Rainstorms 