Getaway

Back in April my son competed in the regional science fair. He was not happy about it honestly. Every time he advanced he was not thrilled. He was even not too happy when he found out he won an award and had to be at the ceremony. But then he found out what his award was and he was really happy he did it. He won an award for a fossil dig in Wyoming! And because this summer has been pretty difficult, my mom and I decided that we needed a getaway. So we turned the one day fossil dig into a long weekend trip to Teton National Park, one of our favorite places!

While in the park, we visited all of our favorite places. The kids swam in a lake, they held a moose antler, we peeked in old homes, and took a million pictures. We ate ice cream for dinner, played games, and had sing-alongs. The house we stayed in was amazing. It was great, really. Even the long drives were nice as we explored new places. We got back yesterday, back to reality.

I loved the time we spent together as a family. I loved being in the mountains. But I was so lonely too. Don’t get me wrong, my family – all of them – are very caring, supportive and…there. But it isn’t the same as having someone to share your life with. And I am a sharer! I love talking about my day with someone. I want to tell someone my ideas and thoughts and the amazing things I see. I want to discuss life with someone. I want to explore with someone. And so I was missing my ex-husband. It is hard to know if I missed him or being with someone. I’m sure it was some combination of both. So this whole wonderful trip was this confusing mass of happiness and sadness.

While the kids were swimming in the lake, a group arrived to enjoy the lake too. There were two women and their kids. One of the women was pregnant and I was incredibly impressed that she got herself and baby up the trail! We visited and found out they were from Utah too. And the whole time I could only think of one thing – they are married and I am not. I felt inferior. I felt like a failure. Honestly, I felt like a loser. And I started noticing more and more “happy” families and couples everywhere we went. I was happy to be where I was, but I was sad too.

Today I found out that my divorce was finalized August 2nd. That was only two months and 6 days from the day he moved out and said he was divorcing me. It was so fast! And even though I knew it would be final eventually, it still hurt so much. I am officially no one’s wife. I officially do not have a husband. I am single. I am divorced.

I tried to keep busy today. I ran errands, took care of my kids, and did the dishes. But do you know what I saw and thought of everywhere I went? All of the married women I saw. They are everywhere! And I am not one of them. It is ridiculous how much I let this affect me. As I did Friday in the Tetons, I see myself as inferior. As a loser. I couldn’t keep a happy, stable marriage no matter how hard I tried.

But if I saw another woman who was divorced would I think the same thing? Of course not! Never in a million years would I associate the words with her that I do with me. As I thought about this tonight I realized that I have done this so often in my life. I am so much harder and more judgmental on myself than anyone else…by a lot! And I don’t think I am the only one who does this. But why do we? Why am I hurting myself like this? Intellectually I get it. I am not defined by what has happened to me more than I allow myself to be. I still have good qualities. I still have strengths. I still have worth. But emotionally? That is a little harder to get in line. It is a continual process. Continual work. But I think that is the case no matter what were are going through.

So I am still learning. Still learning how to not let myself be defined by myself by the bad things that happen to me. That I can take the things I learn and move forward, still confident in who I am and what I am worth. When this gets harder to do I know I need to spend more time talking to my Heavenly Father. In fact, today I said a quick prayer to help me get through the hurt I was feeling and I immediately felt a rush of His love again.

I would love to hear any tips you might have on how you avoid self-judgement, especially in hard times because I think we are all still learning how to do this. I know I am for sure!