It is crazy how things can change. The last couple of days have been harder. Some combination of grief and loneliness and a dash of self pity leads to sadness. I was reminiscing about the past and realized that I am mourning what our relationship was, who he was and what we could have been. Even though it isn’t what things are now, it is still a loss. In my remembering I came across some pictures from a trip we took and an analogy came into my mind to help me understand what I need to be doing.
My ex-husband served a mission for our church for two years in Puerto Rico. Six years ago we were able to go there on a trip with his parents. It was great – the rain forest was amazing and my favorite part. One evening we were able to do a kayaking trip to a bioluminescent bay. If you don’t know what that is, there are organisms in the water that light up and when it is dark you can see them really well. It was really neat.
First, though, before I tell this story, as a little background, my ex-husband and I are both type a personalities. In a lot of ways we worked really well together. But there are some inherent difficulties when both people like to take charge. This particular night we were in a kayak together, of course. He was in the back because he was heavier which meant I was in the front. Now normally the person in the back steers and directs which way the kayak goes. But as I said, we both like to take charge.
This particular kayak trip starts in an open body of water and then goes through a relatively narrow river and lets out in the bioluminescent bay. We did okay until we entered the river. Now thinking about it, it is humorous. But then, it was frustrating. We were both trying to steer. What that meant is that we kept running into the sides of the river and turning sideways instead of going straight ahead to where we were trying to get. What made it even worse is that we were in a line of kayaks so not only was everyone seeing our ineptitude but we were holding things up too. It wasn’t until halfway back that we finally got in sync.
As I was remembering this moment, a thought hit me. Our lives are like this, like we are in a two person kayak with Heavenly Father trying to get though life (that sounds more sacrilegious typing it than it did in my head….) We want to take control of where we are going and He is trying to steer us too. But when we do that we end up sideways or running into obstacles. If we give up control and let Him steer, He will get us where we need to go. But if you think about it, the person in the front doesn’t just sit there. They have to paddle too to help propel the kayak forward or even help turn when they need to course correct because they found trouble when they tried to steer.
So, here’s to letting go of trying to control. Here’s to trusting Him and following His directions when I need to do something specific. He will always guide us in the right direction. That doesn’t mean things won’t be hard, but we will be able to safely navigate through the good and the bad with Him.
Sunshine and Rainstorms 