This week. It has been a rough one. Like, curl-up-in-your-closet-in-the-fetal-position hard. I usually know when something hard is going to come up. Sometimes I am prepared for them. Sometimes they are still really hard and emotional. This week was filled with a lot of the latter.
Monday morning I woke up knowing what was coming. I was meeting my…I guess ex-husband now at the court to file our final divorce papers. It was two months and two days from the day he came to me and told me that he was going to move out and file for divorce. He pushed it through really fast and on Monday he was finishing it. I thought I was prepared. But nope. I cried the whole way there. I cried too much to even go in. I cried when he came back out of the court building. I felt heartbroken all over again.
Tuesday and Wednesday were fairly average days but they had their share of difficult interactions. But Thursday. Oh boy. Thursday was hard. And even though I knew it would be, it still got to me. Thursday my ex-husband moved into his new place. He took a load over and ask if I wouldn’t mind bringing the kids. I did because I was a little curious to see the place my kids would have as a second home. I did pretty well, but then all of the sudden it was too much. I lost control of my emotions and started to cry. I made a hasty escape and waited for him to come to my house to get his things that were left. Then watching him drive away was heartbreaking again but offered a little bit of a feeling of closure.
Friday was another firsts out of many. My kids went to spend the weekend at their dad’s new place. They were really excited because my awesome (former) sister-in-law made sure they had a home to land with beds and food and even toothbrushes and toothpaste. I was glad they were excited…and maybe a little sad. But mostly glad. They immediately got in the pool at the complex and were having fun. Later my daughter called crying because she had lost one of her favorite earrings in the pool. And because she was away from me and sad (and I was more than willing to except an excuse to not work on my treasurer end-of-year report that I am already late on…) I ran to the mall to get her a new pair to make her happy again. I probably shouldn’t have, but I did. Because it connected me to her while she was gone and I could still comfort her is some way.
Now, I did have moments of peace and hope in all of this. But they were harder to hold onto. Harder to focus on. My ex seemed so happy to be moving on with his single life. My kids had to go live somewhere else for a few days. My marriage was officially over. And I had no say in all of this.
As I drove home from the mall after getting my daughter new earrings, I was listening to my favorite Pandora station. I was lost in thought and not really paying attention to the songs. But as I pulled into the garage I heard the song that was on as it repeated the chorus two times. And it was amazing and exactly what I needed to hear. It was the song After the Storm by Mumford and Sons. Here is what I heard:
But there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
I don’t know if I can describe what I felt but I felt better. More hopeful. Happier. It is amazing how words can do that. Interestingly, the last week or so I have seen this as a hill I am climbing and at the top is something amazing and I am almost there. This was just what I needed in that moment.
Now I don’t want to give the impression that I handle everything well or that I don’t have bad moments…or days. I do. But I am so grateful for the moments of peace I am given. The glimpses of hope I receive. And I am going to replay these words in my mind because that is what I hope for. I want that beautiful future with love, and happiness and flowers in my hair.
Sunshine and Rainstorms 