When I started processing the fact that I was getting divorced, reality hit me pretty hard – I have to start dating again. Talk about adding salt to the wound! Now it was my understanding that you got married and you were good to go. You get to just live and know that you have someone who loves you no matter what. They are with you when you have babies and your body changes, they grow wrinkles beside you, and they knew you when you were young and not like that!
When I realized that I was going to have to date – like sit across from someone and try to be cute, and funny and smart – I was a little panicked – or a lot panicked! I started noticing all of the young, cute, skinny, perfectly dressed women around me. Talk about a hit to your self esteem! I have been through a lot. I have had three babies, four pregnancies and four abdominal surgeries. I have wrinkles, migraines (treated successfully thank goodness!), stretch marks and I’ve gained a bit of weight with my new medication (totally worth it though!) And that’s not including all of the insecurities I already had before I got older! And now I have to attract a man?! Oh boy.
But the other day my daughter, Colette, and I were driving around and she mentioned that her body will make babies some day and how cool that was. I knew she got this from me – I have often talked to her about how amazing the female body it. But apparently I have a hard time remembering it. So I tried to remember. And you know what? I was right! The female body is amazing! My body made three babies and then kept them alive and growing! That is incredible. So I have stretch marks, who cares! I made three babies and they grew and thrived in that stomach with stretch marks.
Beyond just the female body, the human body is so amazing and complex. How could I feel like my body isn’t good enough when it allows me to taste ice cream? Or touch my dog’s soft fur? Or allows me to cuddle with my sweet kids? Or allows me to jump up and cheer when my son does something amazing in soccer? Or allows me to see the amazingly beautiful world we live in? My body is pretty amazing it turns out!
Excepting how amazing my body is is just part of this though. My self worth is not going to fully come from knowing that my body can do amazing things. It is who I am that will define my self worth… and *hopefully* attract someone. So I am trying to focus on that, remembering who I am and working to be someone that I am happy to be. A lot of this has come from prayer. I have felt Heavenly Father’s complete love for me and how can you not feel worth when you feel that?!
When my husband first left I was feeling pretty down, understandably. I felt strongly that I should make a list that defines who I am – qualities I have (I am faithful, caring and lighthearted), things I love (I love thunderstorms, being silly, and soccer), things I don’t love (not going to lie, vegetables made that part of the list…), what is important to me (my family, faith and learning), and who I want to be (more patient, successful, and more serving). The list was a good start for me and those things I listed here were just some of what I remembered. I had lost focus of who I am. Do I have things to work on? Heck yeah. Am I trying to be the best version of who I want to be? Yep! And I know that I need to find self worth on my own so that I can be emotionally healthy enough for someone else to find it in me too.
As important as it is to find your own self worth, I find it hard to maintain. It is easy to become discouraged when I step on a scale, or find more grey hairs, or see someone who seems perfectly put together. So tell me, what are the strategies you use to maintain a healthy sense of worth? How do you not let physical insecurities take over how you think about yourself?
Sunshine and Rainstorms 