Who, me??

I have a confession to make. I have a really hard time saying the d word. I can say my husband left me. I can say he moved out. I can talk about the other details of what is going on. But saying that we are getting d…. eeek. Okay, here we go. Deep breath. We are getting….divorced. He is divorcing me. I will be a divorcee. I have been trying to figure out why this is so hard for me and I think it comes down to labels – labels we place on ourselves and each other – and what they mean.

As I have thought about the labels I realized that there are two sides to every label in general – a positive and negative (well there are some that are just negative like psychopath, murderer, narcissist, etc. But we aren’t talking about those!) Let me give an example. I am a soccer mom. I LOVE being a soccer mom. I love watching my son play. I love the other boys on the team. If I could pick anything to do I would most likely pick sitting on the sideline watching that team play (see the picture above – one of my favorite places to be!) I manage the team and it is fun to be involved. But to a lot of people “soccer mom” is a dirty phrase, something to be avoided and not proud of. It symbolizes a mom who has nothing better to do and no life outside her kids. But hey, I love it!

Also, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am proud to be a member – I love it and it shapes who I am and how I live. But to others being a “Mormon” is a negative thing. I remember in high school, I had friends that would point to me and yell, “Mormon!” To me I was happy to be called that. To them, it was a tease. Even among members of our faith, there are labels, like “Molly Mormon”, a label that has been used on me before. I’m okay with it even though others thought it a bad thing.

So now, what about…divorced? Whew. That was hard. Divorced comes with some pretty harsh connotations. Broken family. Broken home. Failure. In general, no one ever hears divorced and thinks, “well good for her!” I don’t want those thoughts and feelings attached to me! I don’t want to place them on myself either and feel them. Heck, I don’t want to be divorced at all! But unfortunately, here I am. How do I accept this? How do I find peace with this label? How do I not care about the social judgement of the label?

I am still trying to figure this out. My family has tried to help. They tell me my family isn’t broken – my kids and I are together and thriving…or working towards it. I am still strong and trying to define a new future. I haven’t failed – I have three amazing kids and am trying to be the best version of myself possible. But connecting the brain and feelings sometimes is hard. Thinking something and believing it are two different things. I am incredibly blessed to be surrounded by extremely supportive people, though, who don’t seem to judge me or label me as broken.

Through this journey so far I have been grappling with these feelings. To try to combat them I have focused on being who I want to be and being proud of it. I have tried to develop new skills. I have spent a lot of time in prayer with my Heavenly Father and have felt His love. I have done things that build me up instead of tear me down. In the end I need to be happy with who I am so that the labels placed on me that I don’t like won’t upset me. But it is still a struggle.

So here’s where I need help. Since this is still a work in progress for me, how do you not be affected by a label you don’t want to have placed on you? How do you find the good side of a label you don’t want?